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How To Flirt More Naturally, According To Dating Experts. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.


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We carefully vet all products and services featured on mindbodygreen using our commerce guidelines. Our selections are never influenced by the commissions earned from our links. Contrary to what might be popular belief, learning how to flirt is not about learning a bunch of specific techniques and moves." Flirting isn't a science, and when we try to make it into that, we lose out on all the things that make flirting fun and successful: playfulness, surprise, and feeling a real connection. If you're wondering how to get better at flirting, the first thing to do is to really understand what flirting is and why we do it in the first place. From there, it'll be easier to understand how to flirt in a way that truly feels natural for you. What is flirting? In the scientific sense, flirting is thought of as a process of signaling sexual interest to attract a potential mate. Many different animal species engage in some form of this seduction process, which might include specific gestures, body language, and direct or indirect overtures. A more modern, human definition of flirting as it functions in our culture today would be to think of it simply as any method you use to signal to someone that you find them interesting and want to engage with them further. It's often a fun, lighthearted activity, though it can also involve an invitation to connect on a deeper level. Either way, flirting ideally feels good for both people if the feelings are mutual. It's about shared curiosity and excitement. While people often associate flirting with showing you want to date or have sex, research shows people flirt for all sorts of reasons1. : to see if there's sexual or romantic potential, yes, but also sometimes just to make the other person feel good, to boost one's own self-esteem, or even just to be playful and have fun with someone. How to flirt with ease: Don't get caught up in trying to adopt a certain persona you associate with "being flirty." If you have some vision of what flirting is supposed to look like—dropping smooth one-liners or batting your eyelashes or anything like that—dating coach Clara Artschwager recommends throwing all those stereotypes out the window. "With everything this world has been through in the last few years and is still going through, and really the state of our world, we are starved for honest and genuine connection," she says. "Thinking, ' OK, how do I flirt better?' I think is the very thing that kills our ability to have that kind of interaction." Instead, she suggests asking yourself a different set of questions: How can I be more embodied? How can I be more of myself? How can I feel more at ease with myself? That might sound fluffy to you, but the confidence that comes with really being yourself and owning it is something that often draws people in. Artschwager also notes that being real even about the parts of yourself or your life that are a little messy can also make people want to be more open with you, too. That openness is what breeds intimacy. "When you meet someone, whether it's in a romantic context or a work context or anything, and you feel how at ease they are with themselves, that makes you feel good. That makes you want to open up, whether you realize it or not," she explains. "That's when we're like, this is a nice interaction. This is a nice conversation." Be willing to make the first move. These last few years have been a time of intense reflection for many people, and single people are coming out of the pandemic with a lot more clarity about what they're looking for in relationships, explains Shan Boodram, a certified sexologist and Sex & Relationships Expert for the dating app Bumble. That means there doesn't need to be as much ambiguity in dating: By being clear about what you're looking for upfront, it's much easier to find people who have similar desires to yours—because they're probably looking for you, too. "People now know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it, so if you think you may be interested in someone, feel empowered to make the first move and don't hesitate to be the first one to initiate the flirting!" Boodram says. It's better to know right away if you're on the same page than to languish in uncertainty and what-ifs. By just going for it, you can jump right into exploring that connection right away or move on to the other fish in the sea. Make it more casual. According to Boodram, Bumble observed a trend that emerged from the pandemic called "slow dating," where people have started being more intentional with their dating and truly taking the time to make sure their partners are a good fit. In the lockdown era, she explains, that meant dating gradually, starting with having a series of casual video dates (yes, it's possible to flirt on Zoom), then meeting up for a low-key socially distanced date like a walk in the park, then moving to something more intimate. "People can also keep this same approach in mind when it comes to flirting," Boodram explains. "Don't feel pressured to dive headfirst into flirting if that doesn't feel natural to you, especially after the past few years where we've all had limited social contact. Go at your own pace!" Don't worry about nailing the art of flirting smoothly or jumping to make big overtures right away. If you think someone's cool, ask them to take a walk with you. Get a cup of coffee together. Ask thoughtful questions, and see if the interest is mutual. "Flirting" can be as simple as that. Pay attention to your body language. There's a reason why most flirting tips have a lot to do with body language—such as how you're positioning your body, where your eyes are looking, and what types of touch you exchange.